Living

Some days you just breath in
Just try to break even
Sometimes your heart’s poundin‘ out of your chest
Sometimes it’s just beatin‘
Some days you just forget
What all you’ve been given
Some days you just get back
And some days you’re just alive
Some days you’re livin‘ 

These lyrics by Dierks Bentley blasted into my perfectly pink headphones as I was walking to get a coffee on my way to work. I replayed the chorus three times and it kept sitting with me heavier and heavier. These few short lines could easily describe my life the last two months. Side note, we have been here two months already!  Most days I really am just trying to take it all in and make the unknown not so scary by tackling it head on. Nursing as a profession is scary. I never know exactly what I am walking into each day on the unit. I can only hope that my skills are up to par for each day that is thrown at me because if they aren’t someone could get hurt. I have had some crazy days at work here recently and wouldn’t be more grateful to the fact that there at 3 other travel nurse that I work with frequently, so we always have each other’s back.  I get so overwhelmed that some days I tend to take for granted the fact that Don and I are able to work where we want, when we want, for however long we want. It’s a strange dynamic because technically we do have a unit boss who is in charge of us but in terms of where and when we work, we are the boss. We get to walk out our door every day and live a new adventure. I enjoy getting to be in charge of my life.  

I haven’t exactly figured out why yet but I easily get restless and am always excited for future things to come.  At home I was always looking for something new to try or another trip to plan. Don and I are not ready to start a family yet, so with every new idea I dream up the question I always ask myself is “Why Not?”. With every new decision I like to role play in my head the worst-case scenario. Once I have done that, even if the worst-case scenario did happen it doesn’t seem so bad anymore. I’m so thankful that I only have to work three days a week. The thought of people working Monday – Friday legitimately terrifies me. I had a conversation with my non–nurse friend as we were getting a Manicure and pedicure (which BTW is a whole other story!) and she was telling me how much she works and she feels like she is slaving away for her company, and for what reason?  I think I would feel the same way in a 9-5 job. Money is great, but other than the basics and planning for the future and all that good stuff, what’s the point? To have a bigger house? To have the latest iPhone? To own all the designer clothes? To buy the latest and greatest game box?  It’s just not worth it to me to sacrifice my precious time for each and every one of these things. I like my things and clothes too, I’m human, I just don’t need everything!  

Then we get to the part in the chorus where it says some days you feel like you’re just living and that’s what I want to do with my life, I want to live it. I want to travel with Don, Digby, and Chevy. I want to enjoy time with my friends and family. I want to explore new places and try new food and submerge myself in the surroundings of where ever I am. I don’t want to just be alive; I want to live. I guess maybe I still have a childish view on life and how I want it to be, but I hope I never grow up and lose by purpose

Hopefully one day when Don and I are old and grey we won’t remember the dark, cramped studio we lived in, or the constant rifling of the trash outside our window, or the people who seem to only be able to stomp as they come down the stairs. Instead we will remember the blooming blue hydrangeas on 81st, or riding bikes in the rain across Central Park to the East Side navigating our way through a Greek Parade, losing each other in a sea of blue and white, just trying to get to church on time. Or Maybe we will remember all the different people who got to love on our puppies and all the crazy placed they pooped. Perhaps we will look back fondly on farting freely on a tightly packed subway.  Or maybe, just maybe, we will look back fondly on the months we shared in our dark, hot, tiny little studio with a double decker dog kennel in our beautiful UWS New York City neighborhood.